Overwhelmed

Everyday this past week, I’d get up and tell myself that I would post something here.

Shows you what I know.

I have been feeling kind of overwhelmed lately. Can’t get things done. Can’t concentrate very well. And I hate feeling this way.

I wrote a song called “Overwhelmed” a while back about being overwhelmed by the glory and beauty of God. That song was a bit of a response to feeling overwhelmed by lesser things and recognizing my need to be focused on the Creator.

Stuff just piles up. Too many projects and tasks and plans. All good and important. Everything seems important.

And people have very real needs and troubles. I feel so much sorrow and pain for the hurting people God has in my life. I want to take them and hold them tight until it starts to feel awkward. Not to feel awkward, but simply so that I’ll know I’ve held them long enough. But I realize that they need to know God is holding them much more. That’s what I want to communicate to them.

To you.


Peace to you.


© LW Publishing 2011

So Tired

I’m so tired right now. It’s crazy. I couldn’t fall asleep last night. When I finally did, in the wee hours, I didn’t sleep well at all. I feel like I’ve been up all night. And I’ve got a lot to do today and tomorrow. And the next day.

I feel really drained. “Running on empty,” as Jackson Browne said. I think I might have to lay down for an hour or so and see if I can get back a little gusto. I’d probably save time in the end because when I get this tired I have a hard time thinking clearly.

There’s a Beatles song called “I’m So Tired.” I always thought it was kind of dumb. But on days like today, I get it. Sometimes you just can’t sleep, or you can’t sleep right and you stumble around half awake.

I find sleep to be a very weird thing to begin with. Why in the world do we have to go under like that? Do you realize how much time is wasted sleeping? And it’s kind of creepy being unconscious when you stop and think about it. You just lay there, unaware, doing nothing. Maybe you roll over a few times and dream things you can’t usually remember when you wake up. A Charles Manson wannabe could have been standing over you for an hour, holding a knife, grinning maniacally, considering his options with the light of the moon gleaming in his eye, and you’d never know it.

See what I mean? I’m drifting here.

Wannabes or no wannabes. I really need some sleep.

Not that I’ll get it.



Peace to you.


© LW Publishing 2011

Tired

 Do you ever get so emotionally worn out that you start shutting down? My wife told me I looked tired last night.

Sometimes I get very tired. Both physically and emotionally. I reach a point where I don’t have anything left to feel. I need to feel sorrow and empathy for those who are hurting. I need to feel angry about injustice. I need to feel hopeful about the future.

But I’m tired and I don’t feel.

It’s like I run out of feeling. I get overwhelmed with all the demands and expectations and go numb. I wish I had a greater capacity for emotion, a deeper well, but I don’t. And, when I get to that point of emptiness, I’m like dried up leaves rolling down the street in the wind. I want to connect, I want to empathize, but when I’m burned out of feelings, nothing rises to the surface. It’s like this bit from a Jackson Browne song:

It’s like a song I can hear
Playing right in my ear
That I can’t sing
I can’t help listening

And then I feel guilty. People get mad at me sometimes because I’m not always “there” for them like they want me to be. Some have gotten very, very mad. They had no idea what I was going through, and some of them wouldn’t have cared if they did know. They certainly never asked. They were going through their own pain, or loss, and I didn’t respond like they wanted me to, so they condemned me and strapped me to the whipping post. But I don’t hold it against them. I understand.

Sometimes I wish life was a little more like a TV show. A situation comedy. You know, where everything that happens is happening because of all the half heard conversations and assumptions everyone is making about everyone else. Joanie overhears the last sentence of something Chachi is saying to the Fonz and assumes he’s breaking up with her, so she talks to Ritchie, who then goes to the Fonz and yells at him for interfering, which is what Ritchie is doing, not the Fonz. Three’s Company did this for every show they did. Blah blah blah.

In the sitcoms, they always realize in the end how they have gotten it wrong, and they smile and laugh and the camera freeze frames on the big laugh. Credits role.

Life is so NOT a sitcom.

 Peace to you.


© LW Publishing 2011

I Don't Like Mondays Either

So. You ever have one of THOSE days?

Yesterday was a Monday. It was horrible. I was tired all day, feeling down and restless. My mind was wandering all over the place. Erratic.

I tried to work on some music, to distract me from myself, but everything went wrong. Everything. Something happened that messed up all the files, literally ruined the mixes of all the songs I’ve been working on for over a year. It was madness. I was starting to panic and I had no idea what to do.

So I did what I do when I don’t know what to do.

I prayed.

Then I called my friend Tom.

Tom fixed my songs. Tom was patient with me. Tom was kind. It took a lot of time that I know he doesn’t really have. It was sacrificial. An act of grace.

He’s just that kind of guy.

I don’t know what I’d do without friends like Tom. I have some others like him too, who give and give to get me through. I don’t deserve them. I know it. I feel bad because there’s no way I’m as good a friend to any of them. I just do what I can and hope it’s enough. And remain thankful for my friends, who get me through.

Good friends do that, I guess. They get you through Mondays.

Let me just say: Thank you. You know who you are. All of you who help me get through Mondays, whatever day of the week they happen to happen.

Thank you.



Proverbs 17:17
Peace to you.


© LW Publishing 2010

I Could Run Like The Wind

I recently watched the movie, Forest Gump, and I had forgotten just how good this film is. Not only is it beautiful from a visual standpoint, it is profound in so many ways. I could do a blog just on this movie, but I won’t.

It’s amazing how skillfully this movie explores the distinctions between intelligence and wisdom and asks questions about predestination and free will. But I think the basic movement of the film comes from this idea: Forest may not be the most intelligent person, but he is an exceedingly wise person, at least most of the time. When he isn’t wise it’s because he’s too much like a child. It might be better to say that he’s a very wise child.

I was watching the part where Jenny comes home the first time, then sneaks away in the morning, leaving Forest without any explanation. There is an extended group of shots where the soundtrack goes dead silent. Forest is shown sitting in different parts of the house, trying to make sense of what she’s done, but it’s something he can’t make sense of. All he knows is that he’s hurting. Truly, he has been used in a painful way. Finally, the camera shows Forest sitting on his porch, thinking. Then the music begins to swell as Forest says something like, “All of a sudden, for no particular reason, I felt like running.”

And for the next umpteen minutes of the movie we get shots of Forest running across the country and back again, and I remember not really getting this part of the movie when it first came out. It seemed out of place. Even the humor in this section is much broader than the rest of the film. But if you think back to the beginning of the movie where some local punks throw rocks at Forest it makes sense. He’s hit with these rocks and Jenny yells at him, “Run, Forest, run!” So he does. He runs so hard that his braces fall off his legs and he gets away from the boys. He runs from them all through his childhood until it lands him a football scholarship. Later, Jenny tells him that when he gets to Vietnam he needs to run if people try to hurt him.

Jenny teaches him to get away from pain by running.

The reason he runs so long and hard after Jenny abandons him is that the pain of his life has finally caught up to him. The pain of his childhood. The pain of his war wounds and the death of his friend Bubba. The pain of mistreatment. The pain of his mother’s death. And finally, Jenny has given him the greatest pain of his life by using him and abandoning him without an explanation.

All of this pain, festering under the surface, pushes Forest to run for over three years, even though he doesn’t totally understand why he’s doing it. His pain is a silent motivator and running is the only thing he knows to do. But, finally, he says, “Momma always said you got to put the past behind you before you can move on. I think that’s what my running was all about.” So he stops running. He says, “I’m pretty tired. I think I’ll go home now.”

All that running would wear anybody out, don’t you think?






Peace to you.


© LW Publishing 2010

Yawn

One time in High School I was sitting in a practice room that was along the wall of the band room. There was a piano in there that I loved to mess with. I tapped on the keys, finding things, discovering. I was very relaxed and happy with the world. And a little tired.

I started to yawn and it was a good one. A big, long, restful yawn. It felt so goo...

I woke up on the floor. I had literally yawned myself into unconsciousness and fell off the bench. I had no idea you could do that to yourself. Whoduthunk? I laughed nervously and got up, trying to collect my dignity. I think my girlfriend at the time was in the room with me. It’s hard to remember. Realize, I was in the middle of recklessly depriving my brain of oxygen.

To this day, I still love a good yawn, but I’m a bit apprehensive. Too much of a good thing and all. I guess I have a bit of a yawn phobia. What if I put myself out for good? What if I kill off those few remaining brain cells I rely on to think about types of cheeses? What if I lose my ability to do music? What if I suddenly understand what’s happening on Lost? Crazy stuff might happen, you never know.

I’m just saying: You sleepy people. Be careful out there.



Peace to you.

© LW Publishing 2010

Encounter 3

More time passes.

I think it was late November. I know it was cold outside. I was working as a delivery driver for a company set up near Metro Airport. They sent me into downtown Detroit to deliver a package. When I finished I was told to wait. That meant they wanted me to sit out there in case a call to pick up a package came in from that area.

I went to Burger King. Went inside to eat. I read my book while I ate. Don’t waste a minute. Always have a book ready. Reading and waiting. My beeper kept silent.

After a while, for no real reason, I decided to go out to the van and read out there. It was starting to get dark, but I had a light in the van. On my way, I noticed a person walking up the sidewalk toward me. At first I couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman. Turns out it was a woman. She was carrying a large cloth bag full of what looked like clothes and blankets. She was swallowed up in a dirty, oversized, puffed up coat with a big hood. Under that were what looked like bed sheets and scarves, wrapped all around her. It made her look a lot bigger than she was.

We made eye contact. I said “Hi.”

She had on thick glasses. They were chipped and cracked, covered with smudgy fingerprints. I wondered how she could see through them..

Me: How are you doing today?

She walked up to me. She was filthy and she smelled pretty bad. She just stared at me for what seemed like quite a long time. I wasn’t sure she was going to say anything at first. But then she talked, really fast. She was a little hard to understand. Something like...

Her: I’m good, I’m good. Just a little tired. Good. Not bad. Just a little tired. It’s kind of cold. Are you cold? It’s kind of cold out here. I have a coat. I’m a little tired. It’s getting dark. I’ve got a coat. Did you eat in there? Are you hungry? I’m kind of tired.
Me: Yeah, I just ate. Are you hungry? Can I get you a hamburger?
Her: No. No. No. Don’t need a hamburger. My foot hurts. I’m a little tired. It’s getting kind of dark. I have my coat. What are you doing out here. Are you cold? Why are you out here?
Me: I’m just working. I had a burger. Are you sure I can’t get you something to eat?
Her: No. No. I’m just a little tired. Don’t need a hamburger. Don’t need it.

Awkward pause.

Me: Do you have somewhere to go?
Her: Oh, yeah. I got me somewhere to go. I know where I am. I’m just a little tired. I don’t need a hamburger. I got my coat. I’m good. I’m good. Just a little tired.
Me: Okay. Well you have a good night then and be careful out here.
Her: Oh yeah. I’m good. I know where I’m at. I’m just a little tired. You be careful too.
Me: Thank you.
Her: Alright then. Good night.
Me: Good night.
Her: Alright.

I got in the van and watched her walk away. She shambled on, talking to herself. I think I had interrupted her. Her bag kind of flopped around a bit as she walked, but it didn’t seem to bother her.

She did seem a little tired...

So. It all makes me wonder how far gone you have to be before everyone writes you off. Some people are very secure no matter what they say or do. They have family. They have a net. But, other people, not so much. Some have very little room for weakness or failure in their lives. No net.

We all have things that cause someone to write us off. You don’t look a certain way or talk a certain way so there are people who don’t want to be around you. You don’t know certain things, so there are people who don’t want to be around you. We all go through this kind of thing.

But there are many people who have essentially been written off by practically everyone. Some of them are sick, physically or mentally. Some of them never learned to cope. Some of them have earned their isolation with destructive behaviors. I know how it works. But I’m just saying. It’s easy to forget that these people, overcome with conflict on the outside, fear and confusion on the inside, are just people. Nothing more, nothing less.

2 Corinthians 7:5-7





Peace to you.

© LW Publishing 2010