Not What I Expected

When I was a kid, Christmas was a problem for me. I mean, it wasn’t just Christmas, but Christmas illustrates the problem.

I was one of those kids: I would build it up so much in my mind that when the actual day arrived, there was no way it could compete with the fantasy I had created. The food was good, but not quite as good as I had anticipated. The presents were great, but they never really satisfied like I thought they would. And if there was no snow, well, there you go. There’s nothing worse than a green Christmas.

In my own heart, this has been a thing I’ve had to deal with my whole life. I have a very good imagination. I can “envision” things. I can construct complex ideals in intricate ways within my heart. You might say I have big dreams. And I am surrounded by the phantoms of life, screaming with their common sense voices, “Wake up!”

Another example: One of the things that has kept me from recording music over the years is the fact that I have tried it and the results were always much less satisfying than the version I could hear in my head. I have now reached a point where I may be able to get something done right - we are at least trying - but I kind of worry about it in a way.

And it’s not just the music. I feel this way about a lot of things. The reality falls way short of the vision.

But it’s also true that, in some ways, life is much better than I ever expected. I never expected marriage to be such a great thing, and it’s the best thing that ever happened to me, apart from the work of God in my life. And I never had a single clue about what a joy being a dad would be. But it is revolutionary to the heart, soul and mind. I never thought about working in the Church for a living, not seriously. But that’s where I am and it is an honor every day.

In the end, I realize that my expectations are not the stuff of life. They can guide some of my decisions, but reality has a taste of mystery to it that I have had to learn to embrace because I can’t figure it out and I’m honestly getting tired of trying. The world inside my head does not define the world on the outside. And, while I don’t need to abandon my dreams, I do need to be sure I have a good and meaningful connection with what is real.

I can imagine a great Christmas, or a great whatever.

But simply enjoying the one I have can be a much better thing sometimes.


Peace to you.
© LW Publishing 2010

The Middle

“You’re tearing me apart....”
James Dean, Rebel Without A Cause


So, this morning, I’m sitting at my desk near the window. In my right ear is the sound of one of my kids, in the bathroom, vomiting for the third time since she got out of bed. In my left ear is the sound of birds singing in the trees outside. They seem very happy about something.

Have you ever heard the word “incongruous?”

So much of my life seems to go like this. I live in the middle. I have one foot in joy and the other in sorrow. I feel good but I feel bad. I have hope but I’m out of answers. I live between what I am able to do or have time to do and what people expect me to do.

When I was a kid I was hanging out with two friends. We were out playing and the two of them wanted to do two different things, go in two different directions. One grabbed one of my hands to pull me in his direction and at the exact same time the other friend grabbed my other hand to pull me in the other direction. Very quickly I became a “thing” instead of a person. A rope for their tug of war. For a moment I became a “thing” they used to accomplish what they wanted, one way or another. And they pulled so hard, so fast, that they hurt me – but they weren’t very concerned about it because they were so focused on what they wanted.


And still, too often, this happens.





Galatians 1:10
Peace to you.


© LW Publishing 2010